How to say sorry (tip: use the word sorry)
‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word.’
I wouldn’t usually open a blog by quoting Elton John. I am today, but only so I can immediately disagree with him. That’s because I think sorry is actually one of the easiest words. Allow me to demonstrate: ‘I’m sorry’. There, simple.
Not only is it simple, it’s sincere. In fact, sorry is the most sincere word you can use to apologise. You can add ‘really’ or ‘extremely’. But no other word says sorry better than sorry.
No regrets
Given the power of the word sorry, I’m amazed that businesses and governments seem to willfully avoid it. Like this:
‘We sincerely regret that this incident occurred.’
Ah, regret. Nothing says ‘I’m being forced to write this’ than regret. This line could have been taken from a letter about a cancelled flight or an incorrect bill. In fact it was issued by the controller of public accounts in Texas, when it was revealed that the names and social security numbers of 3.5 million people had been published on their website. A good time to use the s-word, you’d think.
When I’ve asked people in writing workshops why they use regret instead of sorry, the usual defence is that it sounds more appropriate (i.e. formal) in a letter. In the 1940s, maybe. But these days it just sounds reluctant and stuffy.
I’ve also heard the argument that regret avoids liability, whereas sorry will land you in court. I won’t go into the legal technicalities, suffice to say that it’s very hard to get sued for saying sorry in a customer service letter. And besides, there’s a simpler way to solve this dilemma: if you’ve made a mistake (you the individual or you the company), you should apologise. If you haven’t done anything wrong, you shouldn’t apologise. And if you’re not sure, check with someone who is. Just don’t fob your customer off with regret.
Empty apologies
There’s one apology commuters hear all the time: ‘Please accept our sincere apologies for any inconvenience caused.’ The word apologies is more sincere than regret. Just. But this line still doesn’t sound sincere. Not least because it’s become the standard announcement for pretty much any company whose job it is to get you from A to B. There is only one word that can make up for this lacklustre apology. And I think you know what that word is.
The First Word’s checklist for saying sorry
Here’s some sound advice for saying sorry like you mean it, starting with a rather contrary rule.
1. You don’t always have to say sorry (bear with us on this one)
A recent Channel 4 documentary, Undercover Bosses, gave us a behind the scenes look at nPower’s call centre in Durham. Inside, a sign on the wall read: ‘Say sorry to show empathy’. As a result, the teams at nPower’s call centre say sorry to placate angry customers, regardless of whether they deserve an apology or not. Which, of course, undermines their apology altogether.
Empathy is not a way to say sorry. It’s a way to show you understand how the customer feels. Like this:
‘I can understand your frustration about…’
‘I realise how distressing this has been for you…’
‘I was sorry to hear…’
You can use the word sorry to express empathy, as in the last example. But that doesn’t make it an apology.
Top tip. Before you write anything, first of all decide whether the customer deserves an apology. If they do, offer a sincere and unequivocal apology. If they don’t, show empathy.
2. Be upfront
When someone feels they deserve an apology, they want to see one straightaway. And if they don’t, they’ll usually skip through the text until they do. Which means there’s no point trying to defend the mistake before you’ve said sorry. You’ll only make your customer more angry.
Top tip. Deal with the emotion first by saying sorry. Then move onto the rational bit - the explanation.
3. Be specific
There’s nothing more annoying than an apology that reads like a standard response. So if a customer writes this:
‘My family and I flew with you to Barcelona on August 12th, where you managed to lose our checked-in luggage. It then took you a full four days to recover it. I have three sons and your mistake cost us a day of our holiday because we had to go and buy new clothes for them. That’s not to mention the considerable stress the whole incident caused to the start of our trip to Spain.’
It would be insensitive to write this:
‘I regret you were dissatisfied with the recent flight you took with us.’
This apology is bound to fall flat because it lacks any specific details. It sounds cut-and-paste. Compare it with this response:
‘I am very sorry we lost your bags when you flew with us to Barcelona recently. I understand how frustrating and stressful this must have been, especially as you had to spend a day of your holiday buying clothes for your family.’
Top tip. Be specific by reflecting back what’s important to the customer.
At least you don’t have to apologise for this…
It’s not easy having to apologise to customers all the time, especially when you personally haven’t done anything wrong. So the next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself, watch this. It’s possibly the most (in)famous public apology in history, by one of the greatest public speakers of all time. It’s a masterclass in the art of saying sorry. It’s also a reminder to the rest of us that, when we apologise, at least we don’t have to do it on TV. In front of millions. About our sex life.
I don’t know. I think being sorry is said only when YOU have made a mistake that YOU can correct. Most anyone from a corporate office these days, saying they are sorry, doesn’t have the ability to correct or alleviate my pain and almost certainly, they didn’t cause it. Most often, I send a frustrated customer letter to someone who can DO something rather than just be “sorry”
K
I think you almost have it. The fact that I feel your pain is clearer when you use the words sorry and applogies but that still lacks what I want which is a clear indication that you intent to improve based on my complaint. Failure to do this is where I draw the line…
Saying and writing sorry is and can be very important.
But what to do if when you write or say sorry it makes the correspondent or customer even more angry and agressif???
Thanks for your comments everyone.
Kim – in customer service, we frequently have to apologise for something we didn’t do personally, because we are apologising on behalf of an organisation. Or, we offer empathy. If we didn’t do this there would be a lot more unhappy and frustrated customers around! But you’re right – an apology has to be followed up with action. Ronald also makes this important point about saying what you will do to improve.
Caroline – There will always be a small percentage of people who are so frustrated that they just get angry whatever you say. My advice is to stay calm, listen, show you understand their situation and tell them what you CAN do to help. A reasonable person will listen to you and calm down (eventually). But you don’t need to deal with someone who continues to be aggressive. Customers have a duty to treat you fairly as well.
Hope this helps – a blog on it’s way about how to take responsibility for your actions, so keep checking back.
So true – I agree so wholeheartedly with this article. My most hated phrase in the entire English language is, indeed, “We [would like to] apologise for any inconvenience [this may cause]…” It really gets my hackles rising – it’s like a red rag to a bull. And yes, you see or hear it absolutely everywhere you care to look.
Thanks to the railway companies, who are probably the most frequent users of this wretched, clichéd phrase (think of how many thousands of times EACH DAY you hear this very same phrase across our entire rail network for starters), we now have utility companies putting up signs with the same words, construction companies, shops, offices, banks, toilets, in fact, everybody….and yet, tellingly, one word you NEVER EVER SEE used is the word “sorry”. It really grates like no other. In fact it affects me so much that my day can be ruined just from hearing or seeing these words just once.
For years now I have been insisting that the people to whom I send most of my complaints: Train Operating Companies, Gas, Electricity and Water companies, banks, post offices, etc etc…. kindly refrain from using the dreaded A-word when responding to my letters/emails. In fact I go so far as to specifically DEMAND they use the word “sorry” instead as I let them know in no uncertain terms how much I despise that trite phrase.
It’s such a pathetic, desultory and useless thing to say anyway – and I think you have saved me a lot of words by explaining above exactly why people should banish this godforsakenly awful, hackneyed phrase and learn to say sorry properly – and make out like they actually mean it – rather than resort to this insulting cop-out every single time.
Apologise for any inconvenience…….UGHHH! Just seeing those very words make we want to kick somebody!